don't belong in heaven

For many years now, I have been shrugging off all my failures, and putting the blame towards unrealistic expectations and constant overshadowing. To overcompensate, I laugh twice as hard, smile twice as wide, put on a mask that is my life, just to fill the void that is my inadequacy. Yes, my entire life is a façade. I doubt that anybody out there knows the real me, although if you all piece together your knowledge you may be able to form some vague image… Constantly, I have told myself that I have been doing well, when in retrospect, I have been complete rubbish. Rubbish. That’s an adequate word. Something that only causes displeasure, disappointment and failure. Inadequacy is not a crime. In fact, it is completely natural for someone to be inadequate, for where there is perfection, what more is left to do? It only becomes a crime when one does nothing about it. Essentially, I have been committing this crime, for about 4 years now. Both my mind and soul have deteriorated into rubbish.



Isn’t it ironic that we all seek perfection? The same perfection that will bring stagnation in our lives is the actual motive for our hard work. All this time, I have been complaining about being overrated and overshadowed, chasing the forever accelerating growth of the bane of my existence. Often, I have wondered whether I had as much potential as others have told me I had possessed, if I could ever exceed those escalating expectations. Eventually I managed to persuade myself that they were mistaken, when in actuality I was the one refusing to see the truth. Now, after all this time, what’s left of that potential is gone. Now I feel like I cannot return to my primary school prowess, because my indolence has overpowered my self-will. I try so hard to find a reason to live, and fail repeatedly. What is left of the human conscience when it has been trampled, confined, restricted by its very owner? Nothing. And now, that’s what I am. Nothing.

-Rkim